How I do ‘self-care’…
Let me start by saying that the phrase self care get’s a lot of use these days, but nowhere is it more important than for carers, who need to be reminded the most that they can’t just ship it out to others if they aren’t creating it to begin with. We might think resolve and resilience are endless - and sometimes in a crisis we pluck it from thin air - but there are ways to gently build it too. That’s how I’ve started seeing it in my mind, so I know what I can do to top it up if I need to prepare myself a rough patch.
For that reason, I’m not going to use the term ‘self care’ too much, and I’m not going to talk about relaxation or switching off, because to be honest, that isn’t really realistic for me, and just becomes something else I feel guilty about if I can’t do.
So, for me, it’s about balance.
Big cheers for balance!
It’s about recognising that often, there is an immovable force in your brain (that doesn’t even know to chill out when it should sometimes) and the best we can do is balance that with other things that make us happy, or fun and a bit silly, or creative and slightly more like ourselves.
Because switching off implies at some point we need to switch back on (quite literally, if you’re listening to people who tell you to just ‘turn your phone off and relax’) and that can cause more stress and render the whole process a bit useless from the start.
Anyway, if you came looking for candle recommendations, this might not be the page for you.
How do I do it?
When I’m moving around a lot to fulfil my responsibilities, I find nice things to do on the train journey. I make specific playlists that might help me process whatever I’m feeling and carrying around with me, and it’s short books, colouring or a good podcast. Travelling time is my time.
I schedule in de-briefs when I get home to my partner, which usually involves some tears and the odd glass of wine, but are really essential to make sure I wake up the next day feeling slightly less heavy and like I’m still in limbo (practically, this means making sure I arrive back home no later than 9pm, so I have actual time to do this)
I’ve filled my childhood bedroom (where I stay when I’m back with my parents) with pictures of times that I’ve felt my most fun, ambitious or connected self. It helps remind me that even though I rarely feel like this person when I’m dealing with some of the more stressful and sad parts of caring, I am.
I *try to plan my caring around my period - this is quite specific but it really helps. There are just some days of the month I know I won’t have the patience to deal with medication mess ups so I try and think about it in advance. Same too for the days I need about 3 naps and to not move at all. That being said, I’m also super intuitive at times so this a good time to be around and really listen and understand what’s going on
I make sure I eat - anything. Not necessarily healthy, but I make sure I don’t go to bed with an empty stomach. This can often be the thing I rely on others the most for - both reminding me to eat, telling me I should if I decide I don’t feel hungry, and finding the time to make me food. It’s a team effort.
I trust my instinct and I give myself permission to do so.
Breathing. Yes, I know, I KNOW, but there’s a reason everyone raves about it. Whatever your method - just pick something that works.
Not having a routine - controversial I know - but instead, I like to treat my ‘self-care’ activities as a sort of buffet, picking up what’s useful from time to time. Some of them ‘feel’ more fun than others, but it’s when I’m really having to try to manage the bare minimum (eat, sleep, bath) that I know I’m doing the right thing.
Spending my time split between my actual home in London and my hometown can be real tricky, but it does also offer me some very clear lines of separation and balance. I find that having a ‘London’ day can be a really good way for me to check back in with myself (you can do these online too!) Of-course, I’ll usually call my mum a few times in the day and text her to let her know what I’m up to - but balance right?!
Being really open about what’s in your brain and letting someone else hold it for a while. You are really lucky if you have someone who can help with this (I’ve also tried audio recording myself before) but sometimes you just need to put it down somewhere for a minute, like heavy shopping, before you come back to it again.
Putting things into context and really trying to understand how frustrating or annoying something is by asking yourself ‘am I annoyed about this because of how I feel, or because of what’s happened?’. Stress loves to build and before you know it, you’ve lost what originally set you off. So I try to be a bit aware of that. (takes a bit of practice and control, & very hard to do without a kitkat and cup of tea)
Sometimes throwing money at the problem: again, controversial, and I’m telling you how I do it, but yep, sometimes an immediate purchase of something pretty softens the blow. If you have the money, then allow yourself to see your feelings as something that is worth spending money on. Sometimes it’s therapy, sometimes it’s a box set. It all counts.
Having one precious, tiny, magnificent thing that I love in the very fibre of my bones. Art, books, detective shows, swimming, running, baking, gardening, writing. You can choose to keep it to yourself, or share it with the person you’re caring for. But finding that one thing and treasuring your connection to it (even if you can’t always do it) is the thing that will keep you from losing yourself.
Keep warm - sounds simple, is transformative.
Engage in some minor, inconsequential problem solving. To remind myself these are the problems I wish I had and they very rarely have big consequences.
And then also, it’s really important for you to know, that there are sometimes I just don’t do it. I fail and get it wrong and check my phone constantly over dinner. I listen to my gut and pester my mum, only for her to be absolutely fine and a bit annoyed I’ve called so late. I cancel plans. I drink too much wine at home and care with a hangover. I snap at people, I ask them ‘why aren’t you helping?’ when ofcourse they are. I cry - a lot.
And so, I want you to remember above all that self care is so rarely about the baths, the candles, the books. It’s about the mindset you have that gives you permission to pick them up. It’s about being able to say ‘it’s ok for me to do this’. And that means it’s ok to get it wrong sometimes too.
Balance.