‘Let me know if there’s anything you need’…
Quite often a thing I struggle with is what to tell people who offer to help. It is beyond lovely to have offers of help and support from friends, family and colleagues, but I don’t know how many of us can realistically root through a box we’ve previously labelled ‘helpful things people can do’ and dish out tasks like sweets.
I am a person who gets naturally uncomfortable if people offer to do things for me, instead assuring them that it’s ok and that I can manage. Reader, I think we both know this is very rarely true. But something I never gave much thought to was why? Why do I find it so difficult to let others help? And mostly it was for two reasons: feeling vulnerable and the risk of being let down, and control.
Carers are no stranger to control being their best friend and worst enemy all at once. So I needed to come up with a plan for how I could let people help, but not necessary with things that would ultimately still leave me feeling stressed. Sure, I could ask someone to phone the doctor or sort through medication instead of me, but I might then spend that time worrying it won’t get done, have to do it myself anyway, or make the person who’s offered to do it feel so tense and uncomfortable, they never offer again…
Instead, I started to make a list of things people could do *for me*, while I was busy doing stuff for others. Things that felt nice, or that I wouldn’t have necessarily done for myself. Things that would make me genuinely feel people’s love and kindness, rather than mundane activities that wouldn’t excite anyone.
As a person who likes to help others feel good, I also found these were things that once I asked someone to do, they were more inclined to offer again - which was ideal.
I’m sure everyone has their own list of things that might help, but as this is a place for sharing (and sharing is caring..) I wanted to leave mine with you, in case you need some inspiration the next time the question comes your way.
You could ask someone to:
Send a book/recommend a book. This is a lovely way to let someone think about you and do something nice.
Wash your hair/dry your hair for you. The ultimate luxury if you aren’t *too precious about the end result...
Send you food. Either a takeaway, or a full blown online shop.
Pay for a cinema ticket or movie on prime. You might be more inclined to commit to it if someone else has bought it!
Read out loud to you/send a voice note of something you like hearing
Make a mixed tape (or as we call them in 2021, a playlist)
Send a subscription to something
Ask them to get in touch with your friends for you - be your gatekeeper and let them field some of the pressure and information requests
Help you stretch and move your body in a gentle way, doing some breathing together, a hug, or something more...ahem...involved
Tell you a memory from a happy time you might have forgotten
Keep you warm. Bring blankets/duvets/cushions
Tuck you into bed
Run you a bath (a proper one, with bubbles)
Pick some clothes out for you to wear (and make sure they’re clean and ironed!)
Ask them to make some decisions for you and give you less to think about. Not sure which colour wine to drink, they decide. Haven’t figured out what to watch on TV, get them to make a call.
A lot of these needs might seem childish or inconsequential when you think about what people might be going through, but I also think that if someone is truly offering to help you, you have to take a chance and let them.
Maybe you’re worried it won’t make sense to them that on one of the worst days of your life, you’ve asked them to record themselves reading your favourite poem or book chapter, or as you sit next to someone and cry, all you really want them to do in this moment is keep you warm. But we know, don’t we, that it’s in these moments more than ever that the simple and kind things really do help. Nothing makes it easier to carry on caring for someone else than feeling loved and appreciated ourselves, and paying attention to these little things might just be the way we can do that.
Hopefully the next time someone asks whether there’s something they can do for you, you feel comfortable enough to say ‘yes’, and let them know what would really make you feel better.