Helpful things to say…
Understandably, I’ve had a lot of people tell me they are worried about saying the wrong thing to me. That’s totally fair, it’s a difficult and complex situation, and we’ve all been in that position where we’ve decided it’s easier to say nothing at all, than to risk upsetting someone.
But I also think, and this is just my experience, that I would so much rather someone say they didn’t know what to say, than to stay quiet. The problem is that people assume that although they having nothing ‘useful’ to say, someone else will - so let’s leave it to them. But what happens if everyone thinks that?
There have definitely been times when I’ve shared things, things I’ve hoped might prompt people to reach out, to be met with deafening silence. My side of the deal is that for those who offer to help, I’m trying to get better at actually letting them know what they can do.
I think all of us take for granted what an amazing thing that kind of connection is, where one person reaches out and says ‘let me know what you need’, and you know they mean it, so you feel safe to ask.
But it’s hard to get there if you don’t know where to start. The below are some suggestions of things you can say that have been helpful to me in the past. It’s a mix of things people have really said, stuff I wish they’d have said, and things I wish I’d have been able to ask for.
Everyone will be different, but I hope there are some here that might be helpful for a friend going through a difficult time.
‘Can I make you a giant cup of this hot liquid you like/pour you some wine?’ - always offer tea. I find that in the midst of a dealing with a crisis (I mean a real, mental health one) that tea is the nicest, most caring thing someone can do for me, as I take care of all the other stuff. At that point I’m 99% powered by sugar and milk.
‘I don’t really know a lot about x, y or z, and I don’t know what to say’’ - this one works for everything I think. We’re all human, and unless we’ve been very unlucky, there’s only so many difficult things you can have encountered in life - this isn’t one of them? No problem, but let me know instead of disappearing,.
‘This topic actually makes me really uncomfortable/I find this very difficult to deal with, I’m sorry’ - Totally fine and thank you for being honest. I now know that it’s not ok for me to bring this stuff to you because you find it hard too. We’re still pals.
‘I don’t have experience of this myself, but I can really see how x, y or z would be difficult’ - An alternative to ‘I can’t imagine how hard that would be’. Sometimes you can’t and that’s fine, but it’s nice to seem like you’ve thought about it - if it’s ok for you to do so.
‘Yes, I can pay that bill, train fare, food shop etc’ - The practical motherload, and not to be underestimated. If you can’t, don’t feel pressure to say so, but we all know that sometimes difficult situations have big financial implications. This won’t be an appropriate thing to offer everyone, but sometimes it can make SUCH a difference.
‘You’re trying your best’ - The emotional motherload. I wanted to write ‘you’re doing a good job’, but that can be hard to take if it doesn’t feel like things are going your way. So this is a good middle ground, and it’s so nice to have the people you care about acknowledge your hard work - even if they don’t always see it in action.
‘What do you think you did well today’? - Sometimes it’s nice to give a prompt. I’ve definitely had days when I’ve heard from a friend and reeled off how terrible my day has been, for them to turn it back around by posing a similar question. It can be so hard when it comes to caring for someone to separate what you did well, from what the outcome was, so encouraging us to think like that is super helpful
‘I’m just letting you know (social cues also fine..) that I’d like your undivided attention later when we do a,b,c - so maybe you can plan for that?’ - Don’t be afraid to tell someone when you need them. For lots of people caring is a full time role, so it’s not feasible to tip the scales 100% in one direction if you want a functioning friendship or relationship. You can, and should, still ask for their support - but if you know you need it, a heads up goes a really long way (plus, carers tend to have their shit together when it comes to organising, so there’s a good chance this will happen if you let them know to plan in advance!)
‘You look great’ - Even if you’re lying, even if they look like crap, just give them a break right?!
‘It might not be ok, but whatever happens, you will get through it’ - I know it’s tempting to want to say it, but the truth is we don’t know it’s going to be ok - none of us do - and sometimes assuming it (or willing it) can actually be difficult for the other person, who just wants to feel heard in their worries and uncertainty. It might be hard to say, but reminding us we’ve got the skills to get through *whatever* happens is so much more helpful.
What have you been enjoying recently? - If the time is right, maybe try gently changing the subject. This is tricky, because you don’t want to shut us down, but equally it’s so nice to be reminded (by yourself sometimes!) that there are things you enjoy and other parts of your life that still exist. Even better if you include a targeted recommendation too, it shows us we’re still us in your eyes.
Silence, and a tissue.